Depression and Self Esteem

I have alot of experience with being depressed - I think that I have been depressed since around the end of grade 10 (1998). However, I finally cured my depression by getting high self esteem!

You can tell when something is wrong when all you want to do is bawl your eyes out at any random moment - especially when you are around any other people. I know that I had a social phobia until the age of 17 but don't confuse that with being depressed. I was brought up to be all tough and not to cry over anything - so I didn't. The only time that I really cried was a total of four times when I was growing up - in Grade 1 because I couldn't pronounce the word 'sister' properly, in Grade 4 because my library teacher teased me over something, Grade 7 when the girls in German class teased me, and Grade 8 when a dog ran after me on my bike.

I was a big bottle of coke that had been shaken up so many times inside that eventually I just had to explode.

The first signs of me being depressed was a few times at night where I would sob silently so that nobody else would be able to hear me. Back then I was in tough mode - and combined with never having any friends to talk to, or even allowing myself to talk about myself (I never felt worthy or important enough of talking about myself at all), that made things really bad for myself. I was the learning type as well - I read anything and everything to be the most knowledgeable person that I could. Basically, I had so many (mainly useless) facts in my head that I had to explode eventually. Sure enough, on that fateful day of August 12 2002 when I was in a uni tute class - my mind froze, and then when I got home the tears just poured out and poured out uncontrollably! I have been recovering and trying to empty my mind out ever since.

I was depressed for a very, very long time. Also, hanging around my dad who must be the world's most NEGATIVE thinking man in the world didn't help things. For example, he would always say our local footy team would lose - and everytime he saw a rich person on tv he would mutter something like 'Woah they are so rich I wish I was like that' etc etc. Back then, the rule in my head was to follow good rules so that I could grow up to be famous - this 'rule' was also low self esteem. What I mean by self esteem is not even giving a shit about your own opinions, and (for me) making Dad's opinions into MY opinions! Back then I would agree with dad that 'everyone else is rich and I'm not' and believing everyone would lose etc.

Life is a big lie when you are growing up - and I followed it. They keep saying that you have to have good role models - and so, of course I wanted to be famous just like say Einstein or Richard Feynman. They did whisper on self esteem, but they NEVER really explained the meaning of that - knowing that YOUR own opinions count and that you don't have to think like anyone else just to be recognised! All of that time, I wanted to be famous because I thought I was smart (ie in maths etc). The only people that I related to were the famous scientists that turned mad and were called geniuses and such. I also had a fascination with other famous people such as Winona Ryder, Michael Jackson - you name it - I wanted to be LIKE THEM! Why did I want to be famous all of that time for? Because that is the BIG, FAT lie when you grow up! 'Mum I want to be famous, or a fireman or an astronaut' They never say 'Mum I want to be ME and to be happy and to have my OWN opinions of everything'! What choice do you have when you are growing up? None! And this is why so many people are depressed out there! They chose the 'good role model' road, and followed it, and followed it, without realising that they were trying to be someone else JUST to be recognised one day!

The key to getting rid of depression is to get high self esteem. I hate when people never explain this properly - but I will explain it for my own situation. Good self esteem is nearly the same as being up yourself, but not quite. Good self esteem is when you KNOW in yourself that your opinions are important, and you
Don't have to think like anyone else OR COMPARE yourself to ANYONE ELSE!

That point is so so so so so so so hard to explain to other people! You know you have got high self esteem is when you realise these points:

You don't have to turn mad or nuts just so you can relate to thinking like a famous scientist
You realise that "famous" people are just the same as everyone else - they just happen to live their lives surrounded by video cameras - they are not immortal or better than you - infact, their lives are pretty bad when you really know how they live
When you can say to yourself - I don't need to be Michael Jackson - I am MYSELF! (the best way to do this is look in a mirror and say to yourself - I am Kathryn, and if you don't like me you can ALL get stuffed!)
When you have to confidence to talk about yourself without ANYONE else asking you to - and NOT being scared to do it! (ie. you can just say to someone at any old time that I like playing World of Warcraft - and NOT being afraid of the possibility of someone else saying ' yeah so what I don't give a shit")
When you have the confidence to joke around with people and say back to that person, 'I know you don't give a shit - but I like playing WOW, and if you don't give a shit - that's fine with me - but I like playing WOW - so if you don't like that - you can get STUFFED!
The ability to understand jokes that used to feel like insults to you! ie. people pulling pranks - like putting up your car windscreen wipers - when you have high self esteem you do realise that it is just a joke - in the past you would have thought it was a big conspiracy theory, and that everyone is out to get you man!!!
When you realise that you have your own bad points and good points - and all you have to be is perfectly you! For example, saying to yourself that I am pretty bad at remembering types and models of cars, and realising that it's ok for someone else to be smarter than you at something! There is always a good point about yourself too - ie for me, I am pretty good at music sightreading! The trick here is to NOT GET JEALOUS because someone else is better than you at something. There is always a skill that you have that you are really good at!

The last trick is to forgive everyone else in your life that has done bad to you! No matter HOW bad something has been done to you (abuse, yelling, nagging, teasing etc), you have to forgive the other person! This is the only way to get rid of all the anger inside you! Give it a try - you will find out how powerful forgiveness is!

The only way that I cracked my low self esteem was to see a counsellor, read a self help book, break up with my boyfriend (who I am back with now :) ), and listen to the life-changing self esteem tape. My short story is below:

How I cracked my low self esteem

**28th Jan 2008* - I haven't had a good couple of weeks - I have been tearful and crying at work at any random time, and I stayed home from work one day. After that, I just got worse and worse until last Monday night, when I was really really sad, and yeah I did something "bad" to myself. After that, I rang up the CAT mental health team who didn't give a shit, so then I rang lifeline who told me to go see a G.P. I saw the G.P and he finally upped my meds to an extra 100mg of seroquel in the morning (as well as my usual 300mg at night).

The doctor organised (again) to see a counsellor/psychologist, and luckily, I got to see one that afternoon. The reception lady must have known that I sounded desperate for help, so she was nice enough to get me to see the lady that I really wanted to get (she was the first counsellor I ever saw in my life in Oct 2002). Even though I only saw her for an hour, she sorted out a heap of stuff in my head. She sorted out the fact that I don't have to be a male due to the fact that my interests and hobbies are mainly male dominated.

Since then, I bought a book called 'Living with IT' to help - but in the end, it ended up confusing me because I was constantly trying to fight the negative thoughts with the positive ones - so I read about depression on the net, and one site said to imagine that you have a perfect spirit who is perfectly happy (Read point 10 on this website here >> http://www.self-confidence.co.uk/self/esteem/tips.html). That is easier to do because "she" (missus spirit I call her) is perfectly happy and there is no sadness.

Finally, I found a relaxation tape - you can download it here (I'll keep it here until I get asked to take it down)...