My Diagnoses!
More news here >> On the 31st of January 2008, I finally emptied out years of pain and low self esteem out of my head - this is the REAL me - I have never been so happy for so long! This new me is great!
I am finally well and happy - I have secured a fulltime storeperson job, and things are going well. It's about time I think :) I just hope I stay like this for a long time!
News: 7 August 2006 - I am sick again for the third time around!! Not good :(
Update - My Antidepressant Withdrawal!
Well my friends, about 2 months since I first started getting my major panic attacks, my father recommended that I go and see the uni counsellor. So I did - and when I did, I must have been a bad case because she sent me straight me to the hospital - who sent me to the Acute Mental Health unit - the Psychiatric Ward. In there I spent a whole twelve days in the Open Ward, along with 30 other people who were just as mentally unstable, if not worse than what I was. It was damn scary in there at first, but then the free food and nibblies calmed me down to a state when I could talk to fellow "inmates". The doctors in there diagnosed me with what I thought I originally had - anxiety disorder with depression - so what did the docs do to me? They put me on Zoloft - an antidepressant. They told me that it had few side effects - they were right. What ended up happening was that for the next 8 months, I was really happy and really depressed at my extremes.
Well - here's a little - secret - I met my first ever boyfriend in the ward,but our relationship didn't last very long - about a month infact, due to circumstances which I cannot reveal here - which ended up me being very depressed and on the verge of running away! By the way, even though I ended up in the ward, I still managed to pass my university exams (deferred though!) Anyway - so what does someone suggest to me? Well, they advised to defer uni for a year - so I deferred my engineering course for a year. However, a week before the new year of uni started up again, my counsellor recommended I try a Music Degree. So OK - three days before uni started - I managed to get the musical instrument that I needed, get two music solos up to scratch, get an audition - and I was actually accepted into the course three days before it started! Now how cool is that! Anyway, stupid me should have done more music theory in her life because the theory in the course started at Grade 5 level - and what level was I at? Barely at first year level! So then six weeks later, I was so frustrated and stressed out that I was about to enter the ward AGAIN!
At the start of the year, my sister was so worried about me that she took me to a private G.P. to get a physical check-up. During that check-up, the doctor told me that from the referral that they had from my first visit to the psych ward - they had diagnosed me with Autistic Spectrum Disorder. That disorder is as you could probably tell, one of the autism-related disorders. My friend caught and ear of my diagnosis and suggested that I try and get the DSP (Disability Support Pension). This was my big chance to get money for doing nothing! So I went to the interviews and psychiatrists - but I had to wait six weeks for the application to pass through. Anyway, with the music course, I was unknowingly developing my first episode of psychosis, and was advised by my mother to go to the hospital. I went to the hospital - I got sick of waiting - so what did I do? I walked out of the hospital and onto the main road! I got as far as the nearby bridge before the coppers got me and gave me a free ride in a police car back to the hospital. I then chucked a tantrum and everybody was just gawking at me - then I got seen straightaway! I was then put into a closed ward of the psychiatric hospital. Five minutes after I behaved enough to be placed into the open ward - I escaped and ran away to my friend's place which was just down the road! Thankfully, my friend's grandmother talked her wise words to me and calmed me down. Three hours later, I was driven by my friend's mother and was escorted by a police car back to the ward - except for being naughty, I got the pleasure of spending about four days in HDU (High Dependency Unit). All there is in there is a TV, a lounge and four rooms - wow, how boring! After that, I went back into the open ward - provided that I did not go on another runner (which I didn't - I learnt my lesson the second time), and got out of the ward twelve days after I was first admitted. About a week later, I got my pension! Yayayay!
So in the end, I had an episode of Panic Disorder, six months later I got my first episode of psychosis, and I am only diagnosed with Schizophreniform Disorder (my autism diagnosis has been reversed - refer to the autism page on this site). All together, Schizophreniform Disorder, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and used to have Panic Disorder. I am taking Seroquel (antipsychotic) for the psychosis, and Trifeme to help me ovulate and to resolve some of the cysts in my ovaries at the moment (The Pill).
07/08/2006 - Update again - Today is Monday 7th of August, and I know and believe that I am sick AGAIN! This is the third time I have been sick! First it was panic disorder, then it was psychosis, and now I have a big case of stupid, crappy depression!
At the moment, I have enrolled in a pre automotive course at TAFE here, but last Thursday after lunch, I just started bawling my eyes out while standing outside class waiting to go in. I have no idea who was watching me crying because I had my eyes closed. The teacher took me upstairs to this room next to the staffroom, and then this counsellor (which I discovered was the disability support officer - ... oh great - to be labelled with a disability...), and some other lady as well. I cried for a good 90 minutes before I finally said something to them. They ended up taking me to the doctor, and this is where I am starting to ask questions.
The G.P. recommended that I be put on Clozaril (or Clozapine). I asked a couple of questions about it, but he still said it was good stuff (he gave me a referral to go to a shrink on Tuesday - "tomorrow"). I was worried shitless about the prospect of being put on THAT medicine - so I rung up my best friend, and went over to her place. I already KNEW that Clozapine FUCKS up your system! Why does a medicine need to be SO brutal that you need a damn monthly BLOOD test for it! You need a compulsory blood test every month if you are being put on Clozapine so that your white blood cells don't decrease and go down! The first thing that came to my mind was that your immune system will just steadily die if you are put on this stuff! I already KNOW two people who are currently on Clozapine, and they have had heartburn, eye cataracts, hypertension, and one nearly had a bloody heart attack!
I talked to my friend, and we typed up a letter that I stapled on the front of my psychiatrist referral form. The letter basically says that I refuse to be put on Clozapine, and I also refuse to be put through a series of medication changes. I also said I would rather be treated via a counsellor or psychologist instead of using medication. At this point in time - I AM DEPRESSED! I am NOT seeing anything (ie hallucinations), I am NOT hearing any VOICES, I don't have ANY damn suicial thoughts or anything! I am just PLAIN, OLD depressed! Now, this G.P. said that my medication is NOT working - I think that is a big pile of bullshit! If my seroquel WASN't working, my mind would be ticking over REALLY fast, and I would be wanting to kill myself EVERY second of the day! I know the Seroquel is working, otherwise I would be fully psychotic RIGHT NOW! The point is, I KNOW that G.P's and psychiatrists get commissions for putting people on antispsychotics and antidepressants! The big wig pharmaceutical drug companies pay these medical (idiots) to put people on this stuff, so that everyone gets more money and profit to the drug companies! I am certainly NOT going on Clozapine just to make sure that these stupid doctors get more money! I am concerned for my damn LIFE here! I already know Clozapine is BAD, BAD stuff - and if they force me onto it, I will ring up legal aid, and I will ring/contact the media about this! Just because they have put a stupid schizophrenia label on me, doesn't mean I just can't be normally depressed! NOooooooooooooooooooooo! They must think I am getting an entire psychotic relapse (which I am not!) If I was relapsing, I would again be scared of using the internet or watching tv, and I would be wanting to kill myself every second of the day! I know I am not going psychotic again - infact, I am just VERY, VERY depressed! I have crying spells just about each day now, and it is getting worse and worse.
The reason why I am depressed because I know my life is NOT going anywhere! I have a big feeling that I will have to stop this current TAFE course so that I can get better (again). I have been sick for nearly four years now, and I have no idea what it feels like to be normal - infact, I don't think my mind will EVER be normal and healthy EVER again! I knew from the moment I couldn't do that tute question at uni four years ago, that I had pushed my brain over the limit, and that had caused it to speed up, and that I couldn't control the speed of my thinking. I did have a job as a public servant, but that only lasted for three months before I got laid off! I only started this TAFE course like about 3 weeks ago, and already I can't cope with it! It seems everything I try these days, I just can't complete, or my mind chucks it in! I hate it! My self esteem is just about zero, and I am again quiet and withdrawn. I have just about no confidence at all, and I can't get any work! This is the whole crux of the issue - I am depressed because I can't get a job (even if I am supposedly smart or not). On the TAFE literacy and numeracy test that we all did about three weeks ago, I scored Perfect on it! Yes - perfect! And I still can't land a frigging job! My problem is that I don't have enough confidence to ask employers for work! I have done so in the past, but I think I was very negative, and they always had someone who they just happened to hire before I got there.
All I wish this time around, is that I get a counsellor or psychologist who sees me at least once a month for the rest of my life, and that I get some kind of job/vocational help on how to get a job. I also need help on self esteem - as mine has been non existent for just about my entire life! I have a big feeling that I will have to stop this TAFE course, and that I will be sitting home AGAIN! Gawd this really bloody well sux! I am just waiting until I see the stupid shrink tomorrow, and they will NOT put me on Clozapine! Even if I yell at him and end up in the ward for a third time, I know I will refuse to be put on that stuff! Every patient has a RIGHT to refuse treatment, and thus, I will fight all the way I can to make sure these incompetent wankers don't put me on that brutal stuff! Thanks for reading my website and stuff guys - I hope you can all support me while I am sick this time around!
03/08/2005 - UPDATE! I have commenced withdrawal of my antidepressants as of ONE week ago! I will give some kind of regular interval as to how I am going.
I am doing this via the cold turkey method. This means that I have totally stopped taking my antidepressant, and I am not slowly reducing the amount of it that I take each day. At the moment, I am on citalopram (the antidepressant), seroquel (antipsychotic), and trifeme (the pill.. not related here). I have been on SOME type of antidepressant constantly since September 24th 2002. This is the first time that I have stopped taking any antidepressants for an interval longer than one day between tablets. Go to my withdrawal page for a timetable of what my symptoms have been so far.