How I Think Musically

So this brings the question - what kind of improvisational experience have you had? (note - this part might sound like I'm interviewing myself, but I can't think of any other way to write this).

Kitkatsavvy (me) - I would think the only time I have ever had the ability to actually be creative enough to make some musical sense out of improvising was when I had my six week stint of the JCU music degree in 2003. At that time, I was almost fully psychotic by then, and it didn't take much stimulation of my mind to become creative. I will get to more of this later.

(Question) - Why did you even consider and try to do a music degree anyway?

(Me) - Well, around the late 2002 mark, I had no idea of what I was going to do in life, because I had just been put in the ward for my panic disorder. My first boyfriend suggested that I defer engineering for a year - so I did just that. The only reason that I actually did the degree was because a counsellor suggested it (I was seeing a uni counsellor at this time). On the Tuesday before the music degree started, she said, 'Why don't you try out a music degree?'

I said ok to that. Now, how the hell was I going to get into the course within a week of it starting? I didn't know that you had to audition for the course in November the year before. So I did a rather silly thing - I rejoined Tssvv Brrrazss on that night (to selfishly get a euphonium for the music degree audition). I rung the uni music guy and enquired about the course. He said that if I wanted to try and get into the course, I would have to audition on Friday (3 days away). So, SOMEHOW, I managed to get up ol' Anna Karennina up to scratch, and some other slow solo I had. I got there on the Friday, and I only got to play about 3 bars of Anna before he said, 'Yeah that's great!' (or something along those lines). After that, he gave me a short music theory exam. I had NEVER try to name a note that someone would play on a piano before, but I somehow managed to "know" what 2 or 3 notes were, from just hearing it! After that, he gave me this short theory question thing on paper, of which I failed dismally at. For some reason, he accepted me into the course!

(Question) - So when did you try to improvise?

(Me) - I had no idea why, but I had a rather weird idea in my head that I was JUST like Beethoven and Mozart. I had figured that since I was so psychotic then, I had realised that I will never have this creative gift in my brain again. So, I chose to suddenly start writing piano music, improvising on a piano, and even tried to write stuff with at least a couple of other instruments in it. One day, I was in some kind of group with a few classmates (say hi to Captain Nemo for me), and for SOME stupid reason, I just picked up one of their trumpets and just played! I had no idea what I was doing, but it sounded great, and I wasn't reading any music - I was fully improvising! Personally, I wouldn't mind having the psychotic mind back, but I don't want the other side of psychosis - one part of which is that you are continuously wanting to kill yourself all the time.

Also, the song "Jazzy Rollin'" that I wrote, was done at home at the one session. I still have no idea how I did it, but I wrote the 41 bar piano piece somehow knowing what the key signature was, and I also wrote note for note without ANY mistakes for the entire piece! I would really like to describe to you what it is like to have the mindset of being psychotic, but I would be here for a while. In short, your thoughts are just SO fast that you can work out stuff in GREAT and MASSIVE bounds and leaps.

(Question) - Could you actually read music during this time?

(Me) - Well, frankly - NO! My brain must have had some temporary damage or something during my psychosis, because I had managed to lose my photographic memory (ie. I could/can usually think of the way to a destination I'm going to by seeing the streets in my head). At the start of the course, I could read music like normal, but then I dramatically started to lose this gift or talent that I have (just ask the teacher who was tutoring me at the time). Eventually, in these short 4 to 6 weeks, it ended up that I couldn't even sightread a simple piece of music (ie. Mary had a Little Lamb style stuff). But I could still improvise on the piano and write music. I wish I knew what was going on in my psychosis-inflicted mind then. This was a very disappointing part of my life, because I thought that I would never be able to read and play music EVER again. I would guess that If I wasn't treated when I was, I would either turn comatose, or I would have killed myself by now.

(Question) - I heard that you did something rather bizaare in the ward...

(Me) - Well, yes - they just happened to have a piano in the psych ward. When I was put in there the first time, I was just playing something like a damn zombie with my mum (who was visiting me) was watching me. She told me that was one of the saddest moments of me - realising just how bad I was. I figured out that some of the keys were out of tune and such, but that didn't matter. I asked the staff if they could fix it, but they said they weren't allowed to bring in sharp instruments such as screwdrivers in etc.

Finally, when I was in the psych ward 2nd time (6 months later - May 2003), I was very tempted to play the piano again, now that I have had a go at improvising on it. I waited until the last night that I was in there. I went to the piano, and just improvised for a good 20 minutes. I thought it was good, because when you are doing that, you just seem to know where the keys go, and as long as it sounds good, you are doing ok. I ended up playing something kind of 'bouncy', and then switched to a bit of depressive playing. After I finished, the nurses said it was brilliant, but the bloody other patients just PUT the damn radio on again! Bugger you then! Anyway, I was of course shaking after I did that, and I was happy knowing at least the nurses enjoyed my 20 minutes of madness on the piano.

There, now that I've finished having my imaginary conversation with myself (with good spelling and grammar), I would still like to wonder how James Morrison gets those high notes. I think that he must have some special kind of mouthpiece. Personally, when I play a trumpet, my lips and jaw starts aching after about 5 minutes of playing high notes.